Author Archives: Angela

“Comedy bus tours”

The Devine Comedy wrote and sang about a famous coach touring company ”The National Express……!’ and the all forever young hymn singer Cliff Richard not only sang about but also starred in ‘Summer holiday’…………..this time in a London red bus……

If only they had been divers!!!!!! PADI has a lot to answer for……….i should probably add BSAC here too!!!

Friday morning, 6am, an early start; shower, toilet, breath on hand!!! fall on the floor!?!?! (best brush the fangs then) and pack!!!

Surprisingly spritely for this time in the morning I risked waking Wifey for a lift to the club to start my holiday – while she has to work! Not a happy bunny, but up she gets and after remembering the all important Kindle (other brands of e-reader are available) we’re off, into the cold and wet that was Friday morning.

Pulling up out side the club, sad good byes were said followed closely by salutations and the cursory, but friendly insults between us divers. The tension was building along with the slowly increasing size of  dive kit and baggage in the mini buses rear ’12 bags Jackie…..really…..?’ someone commented, Jackie said  ‘gotta have my gadgets……’ though there was no mention as to what gadgets were implied……surprisingly innuendo began early that morning.

Waiting waiting waiting…..it felt like an age putting together the last parts, and checking the bus before leaving. Carl asked to take the first stint at driving and of course both George and me said ‘OK’. We kicked the tyres, all was good I reversed out of the car park and Carl took the drivers seat…..’I cant reach the pedals…..’ said Carl  best be getting the booster seat then…

Conversation was rampant and exciting and with Carl listening to Radio 1 and the strange sounds it was producing we did all we could to ignore it…..the problem was Carl performing the ‘loaded finger point’ and bouncing on his seat in time with the treble (there was no base to be heard). How he kept his feet on the pedals i just don’t know…..

It’s about 8am, the  hunger pangs were audible above the the groaning of the engine and the traffic at junction 10 on the M25 brought us to a near halt. Through the murk a bright and shinning light began to call to certain passengers, a clear voice penetrated the sound of the  bus like the howling of a proverbial werewolf…..’ Mc Donalds….. pull off here…..‘ to be fare it was probably all of us….

Why does cheap nasty food act as such a draw when your overly hungry? No time to discuss now, lets just get some tuck……Not bowing to any sponsors other fast foods were available and consumed with the same…..enjoyment? to return later for others to enjoy too, such a sharing bunch.

Not one for ‘nick name’s (though Wifey has many for me….) certain personalities started to emerge and what with there being seven of us it seemed fitting to label these personalities after the dwarfs, though I preferred Elves, Elfs (the distinction for those not in the know boils down to whether you have read Tolkien’s The Hobbit or Lord of the rings….shame on you if you haven’t) Faeries and Pixies. The first to appear was ‘The dangerous pixie‘, for the time being I think it best I protect the identities of these individuals (like the Super Hero’s they are…) though I will reveal all later. There was an appearance of the elusive ‘Angry beaver‘  towards the end of the day though I am shamed to admit that like the Incredible Hulk the seat of his power lies in a purely emotional response while under pressure, an attribute that all divers can relate to. The pressure came from the back of the bus…… the resulting outburst was shocking….you know who you are?

Lunch time; I can’t recall where we stopped at the moment, but I do remember the cost of the sandwich and coffee….no change from a tenner. As is typical with the British Public we all got to partake in a nice queue (one of three to chose from….) while waiting to be served by the unsmiling staff. I can honestly say that had the young lady serving our line been walking close to the water line on the beach, I would have come to her rescue and pushed her back in the water (as this is where she appeared to have come from…). When our turn came round the smile she gave us not only broke us of the need for sustenance but also the lens on my camera….I am sure that comment will cost me….insert your own photo here.

Finally it was my time to drive, setting up my driving position I adjusted the seat pre-load to accommodate my weight….you will know I am larger then Carl. Strangely I did not need to adjust it much……it now made sense as to why Carl was bouncing so much earlier with his ‘Loaded finger’ dance…..65 mph max was comfortable but the wind and rain made it fun. The intense coffee blast hit hard with caffeine, I plugged in the Moth Pod (A Wifey nick name…no innuendo please) and I urged the bus to top speed. With the aid of what can only be described as  ‘Pixie magic’  aka, caffeine hit, I fell into auto pilot  like a good BA pilot on long haul and we cruised on to Inverness, Scotland and home of the Queen’s English.

To be continued…and pictures to follow…………………..

It was the calm before the storm,

The out come and dilemma of the who would fill the last mini bus driver position hung high over  the remaining divers. All of them were polite, offering to take the job of the day long trip but secretly agendas aiming for the comfy rear seats were afoot !!!!!!!!

The choice was made, it was going to be me! having offered to drive on the first trip I found the chance to drive this time an overwhelmingly  uncomfortable experience to look forward too, but the company was going to great and the trip was going to start as it meant to go on………fantastic…………

Thursday afternoon came along, I got the call and suddenly PANIC !!!!!!! only 5 mins before I have to leave work and make for the rental shop, the phone rang??? do I answer or do I make a break for it? The office door slammed and the key turned ‘click’…… the phone was still ringing…….good old answer phone.

As is typical when you are tight for time, you portrait this psychic aura that screams “stop me now and hold me up i have plenty of time for meaningless chitchat and waffle, I really don’t need to know your problems right this second. i have some where to be !!’ Bitter? yes I was. The 5 minute walk to the car took 10, and the traffic was building, I could smell it but finally I was in the car and rushing to get home. again the agencies were kenieving to keep me from my goal, the clock ticking I had to seek help. Instructor extraordinare Carl rushed to my aid ‘Carl please please please call the rental shop for me I may be a little later then 5”  it was 4.50 and I was 15 minutes away, so the satnav said. Ring Ring, it was Carl ‘Mate, the shop is open till 6pm, the lady said to take your foot off the accelerator and calm down……..’. Suddenly relief washed over me and the car seat felt so much better.

Home, park the car, open the front door, DAM key wont work!!!! curse and swear!!!!!  dog barks and the cat threatens me on the doorstep. Now where did I leave the paper license and utility bill. TICK TICK TICK…..Let the dog out, avoid the cat and make a break for the door. Key worked, YAYE ….

Back on the road and the trip continued to the rental shop. Now starts the battle royal of peak time traffic. Keeping calm I made a break for it and 15 minutes later I made the shop, 10 minutes later and after some pertinent questions as to how I drive ! ! ! I am on the drivers list, if only I told them the truth……….

Now to the club to drop off the dive gear, happy times are coming.

Arriving late as usual the gang were hanging round the back of the mini bus like bears round honey….so sweet.  after the cursory salutations and comedic insults it was out with the dive gear to load up. Jackie (Mother Hen) took point and led the loading process like a pro (having at least 12 bags herself….what did she say about her toys and gadgets…..?) and saying good night for the few hours before the off, I drove home taking the scenic route, still to pack ‘oh joy and rapture’ and wondering where we will be stopping for breakfast and if I will get any choice in the matter…….

To be continued……